The solution is pretty simple (aside from getting a hold of the admin and slapping him):
Open an elevated command prompt (read: run as administrator)
Type:
NET STOP "WINDOWS UPDATE"
Fixed.
It'll still update later... but not while you're on the box.
https://serverfault.com/questions/540936/how-to-cancel-an-automatic-restart-in-windows-server-2012-after-installing-windo